Okay for those of you wanting to read some of my stories I have decided to put up an excerpt Six Girls, One Crown (title by Hermione, thank you Hermione) and I want to know what you think. Its not that good so I'll be more than happy to receive critiques as well as compliments (hopefully...LOL).
Six Girls, One Crown
By: Lily
In the land which was once called Europe lives the beautiful kingdom
of Fidelity filled with loyal citizens and wonderful spirit. But every five
years, on the sunhigh of the first day of spring, the whole kingdom gathers in
the cheerful Amaraia Square complete with cobble stone roads and a big, wooden
stage. As the Queen steps onto the stage, all of Fidelity seems to be holding
their breath as the Queen clears her throat and begins to recite the
traditional speech.
It’s
possible, I tell myself. My name is in the wooden ball at least three times. My
history teachers and my arithmetic teach said they would enter my name. You
see, here in Fidelity, when you are an apprentice, like me, and you have
finished school for the year, your teachers would enter your name in the wooden
ball if they believe you talented and gifted enough. If your name is picked out
of the ball you would become the Queen’s Ladies in Waiting and train to become
the next Queen. It would be a huge honor. This year, at age thirteen, I think I
might actually have a chance to get picked.
My
thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the Queen clearing her throat. “Citizens
of Fidelity, we gather here today to bestow new responsibilities to six
apprentices. Yesterday, on the last sunhigh if winter, six male apprentices
were bestowed with the honor of becoming Servants in the kingdoms of Riparian
and Mythannor, and today it shall be the ladies’ turn.” She put her hand in the
wooden ball and pulled it out, holing a slip in her hand.
“Please
say Willow Shine. Please say Willow Shine.” I pleaded in my head as the Queen
turned herself toward the kingdom.
“Starr
Ringlet,” the Queen called to the kingdom. I spotted a girl with long brown
hair in braids dashing up to the stage. I let out a sigh. At least there are
five more. The Queen calls a couple more names, Harp Day and Ivy Quinn, and
sticks her hand in the balls again. “Willow Shine,” she called. I suppress a
squeal and run up to the stage filled with pure joy.
After the Queen calls a few more names, which felt like it took a whole season to me, we were allowed to board her carriage and the kingdom was dismissed. I let out the squeal I had been holding in.
After the Queen calls a few more names, which felt like it took a whole season to me, we were allowed to board her carriage and the kingdom was dismissed. I let out the squeal I had been holding in.
Wow, this has a GREAT storyline and it's great writing! Two things (one's a compliment the other a critique.)
ReplyDelete1. I like how she didn't get called last. In nearly all the books I read when they choose someone (except in the Hunger Games, because that's 'Ladies first') they get called last. This is a nice change.
2. I think your story could use a little more detail. Like, "The Queen turned to face the crowd of hopefuls, her raven colored hair glistening in the sunshine. I play with my straw colored curls, something I always do when I'm nervous, and think to myself "Please say Willow Shine, Please say Willow Shine." Also, you I think you should put in the Queen's name like "Queen Esmerelda" or something, instead of just "The Queen."
I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to help. This is a great story, and I'd love to read more!